


Privileged

by prototyping



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Angst, F/M, Here be spoilers, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, but i don't even care, i just love their dynamic ok, writing mieu makes me feel like a nerd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-08 00:12:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4283307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prototyping/pseuds/prototyping
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Time, or the lack of it, puts a lot of things into perspective. Luke/Natalia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Privileged

"Luke!"

The tone bordered on accusatory, and out of old habit Luke flinched as he watched Natalia hurry forward with her usual air of authority. The question of why she was in his quarters in the middle of the night was temporarily overlooked, since she was probably equally curious about why he had been outside in the middle of the night -- in the rain, which now dripped from his drenched clothes to form a puddle on the normally tidy carpet.

He half-expected her to chide him for that, but the princess' expression held nothing but genuine concern as she regarded him. "There you are! What happened? You're soaked!"

"I..." His search for a reasonable answer was spared as Natalia turned to the servant at her heels.

"Towels. And set out some fresh clothes for him after that."

"Yes, Your Highness." As the maid departed Natalia was instantly at Luke's side again, looking torn between an anxious and a dubious frown.

"Are you all right? None of the maids had seen you--"

"Yeah, I'm fine," said Luke patiently, for once not minding her pushiness too much. "I didn't mean to worry you. Sorry, Natalia." That only appeared to worry her more, so Luke tried something more natural. "I mean -- it's fine, I just got a little wet--"

"A little!" Natalia repeated, skeptical, and despite his recent mood Luke felt a flare of annoyance. "You look as though you've been standing in the rain for the last hour! What were you doing at this time of night?"

"Me? What are _you_ doing here?"

"Looking for you, of course, although I know when to bring an umbrella along. And where is Mieu?"

Luke blinked at her as if that were a dumb question -- and then blinked again, belatedly realizing that the cheagle hadn't yet jumped him in his usual overenthusiastic greeting. "Uh..."

"Isn't he always with--" As if on cue, Natalia looked behind him right at that moment, her bright eyes widening. "Mieu!"

Luke turned, saw nothing, and then looked down to see a wet mess of blue fur step out from behind his legs. Already standing in a small puddle of his own, Mieu rapidly shook himself to shed some of the rainwater, making Natalia step back and earning an annoyed shout from Luke, even if he was too drenched for it to make a difference.

"What were you doing out there?" he demanded. "I told you to stay here!"

Mieu's oversized ears flopped with guilt, his shaggy fur making him look even more pitiful. "I'm sorry, Master, I was worried!"

"Don't 'Master' me! What kind of master am I if you never listen to what I tell you?"

"Mieuuuuu..."

"Luke, don't be so hard on him! You should be grateful that he cares about you! What if the poor thing caught pneumonia for your sake?"

"Aaahhh, worried or not, you're _both_ annoying!"

Once upstairs -- with both grumpy betrothed and humble cheagle in tow -- Luke shed his dripping jacket and sat down on the edge of his bed in a huff. Natalia looked indignant. "It's bad enough you might have caught something already -- do you plan to sleep on wet sheets, as well?"

"Would you stop already?" he snapped. "You're not my mother."

"No, I am not," she retorted, firmly but coolly, as she crossed her arms. "But I _am_ concerned about you, like everyone else. Where have you been?"

"Out," said Luke, after a slight pause. He didn't look at Natalia directly, and hoped Mieu would keep his mouth shut. "Just... around the grounds. I just got caught in the rain on the way back, it's no big deal."

Silence fell, but that was worse than the nagging. It meant Natalia was thinking, and that could mean she suspected the truth, or something close to it.

After a moment, she gave a short, impatient sigh -- but to his surprise, her voice was the opposite. "...No, I'm the one who's sorry," she said quietly. "You've been through a lot lately... I shouldn't be so cross."

That was also worse than the nagging. "It's... it's fine," Luke assured her, but try as he might he still sounded halfhearted. "I know you mean well, so..."

Natalia moved to stand in front of him, hands clasped over her chest. "How are you feeling?"

For a terrifying moment, Luke thought that she knew. His head whipped up and he met her stare, but in the same instant he realized that wasn't the case. Her expression was anxious, but it was also curious, searching, nothing like the grim looks that Tear or Jade or the doctor had given him. It wasn't the face of someone who knew they were looking at a dead man.

"Oh... uh..." Luke tried to relax again, forcing his own expression back to something close to default. "Fine. Just, um, kind of tired, I guess... But the doctor said that's normal," he added quickly, again willing Mieu to stay silent. Fortunately, the cheagle had hopped up onto a chair and seemed content to just observe, for now.

Natalia nodded, looking relieved. "Good."

The sound of footsteps on the stairs announced the maid's return and took Natalia's attention, granting Luke the crucial few seconds needed to gather his composure completely. He was silent and still as clothes were laid out on the other side of the bed; he only watched as the carpet under him continued to darken with pooling water, the sight uncomfortably reminding him of blood seeping out from beneath a body--

He jumped slightly when something touched his head and shoulders. Looking up, he saw that Natalia had draped a towel over him, and she started scrubbing gently at his hair to dry it.

"H-Hey..." he began, feeling slightly awkward. "You don't have to--"

"It's all right." She smiled -- not her proper, princess smile for the people, but her soft, admittedly kind of pretty smile that she only ever used around her family and friends. Around him. "Unless you don't want me to."

Luke hesitated for a heartbeat. "...No. It's fine."

The maid soon left, once more leaving the two of them alone (plus Mieu, now buried under a towel too big for him as he tried to dry himself), silent except for the continuous patter of rain against the window. Natalia was as tender and careful as could be, wiping at his hair, his shoulders, the back of his neck when he leaned forward enough.

All the while, Luke could only think of everything he wasn't telling her.

_I'm going to die._

_I'm going to die and I don't even know when. Tomorrow, a month from now... I don't know._

_But I don't want you to worry, so that's why... No, that's not it. It's like I told Tear: I'm scared of being treated differently._

_I'm scared of being reminded._

_I'm just scared. I'm so scared I can't sleep -- that's why I was out there, Natalia. I wanted... to feel the rain again, in case I don't get another chance. Or maybe I just wanted the reminder that I'm still alive... that for now, I'm here._

_But... I'm still scared. I'm so scared, I don't know what t--_

He cut off his morbid thoughts right then, knowing they would get out of control if he let them. At that point he would start shaking and Natalia was bound to notice, as close as she was, and he wouldn't be able to speak or even look at her without giving himself away.

Guilt stabbed at him for the extended deception, but his mind was made up. He wouldn't tell her. Not her, his parents, not Anise, not even -- or maybe especially not -- Guy. It was easier that way, for all of them.

Wasn't it?

Suddenly Natalia stooped, crouching down so that she was looking up at Luke. To his disappointment, she still appeared anxious, and he knew he would have to do his best to play everything off. She surprised him, however, by reaching up and brushing his bangs from his eyes, studying his face as she did so. It was probably the most personal gesture they had ever exchanged. Luke was fairly comfortable with her on a physical level, much more than with any other female around his age; looking back, the cause likely lay equally in Natalia being both his childhood friend and his betrothed. That kind of closeness came with the territory, he supposed, although he hadn't ever stopped to think about it before now.

Even so, this time the contact was different. He would have hesitated to say _intimate_ , but...

"You're not going to tell me what you were doing out there, are you." It wasn't a question, but she didn't sound upset. Luke wavered, debating between another lie and not answering at all, but Natalia shook her head. "It's fine. I suppose you're allowed to have _some_ secrets." She smiled again, and it was warm enough to be contagious.

 _You're too good for me._ Him, the one who had taken the place of her original childhood friend. She could have easily hated him for that reason and Luke wouldn't have blamed her.

"...Thanks, Natalia. For everything." More than she would probably ever know.

She colored slightly, but it was a pleased look, similar to the look she had given when he recited Asch's proposal to her, and Luke wished right then that he had something more to offer. Something more than just words, or at least words that were his own, but he wasn't exactly gifted in the art of eloquent speech.

Looking at Natalia as he was right then -- grateful, guilt-wracked, tired, and still weighed down with all his secret thoughts and feelings -- one thing, one possibility, one impulse suddenly occurred to him. Part of him immediately called it crazy and kind of stupid, but another part remained surprisingly steadfast.

It was something he could do for her. No, it was more of a gesture he could offer -- better late than never, perhaps. Maybe she would reject it, maybe she would say it actually was too late, or that it didn't mean as much coming from him... Luke would never know unless he tried, and he owed her that much.

No... rather, Natalia _deserved_ to be really, truly treated like his fiancée, not the bother he had always taken her for.

He found her hand and held it, his fingers firm but gentle around hers. Between that unusual gesture and the way he had been staring at her, silent and serious and thoughtful, Natalia must have sensed that something was up; she blinked at him but said nothing, attentive and expectant as she awaited whatever he intended to say.

But no words came, or at least none seemed appropriate. So after glancing down at their joined hands and stalling a few more seconds, Luke forced his gaze up and his uncertainty aside and leaned forward, just enough to kiss her.

It was clumsy, he could immediately tell. He had moved a little too quickly, their lips met with a bit too much force, and the result was awkward and slightly painful as his teeth pinched his lip. He felt Natalia stiffen and lean back slightly, although whether it was out of surprise or distaste or just because he had all but collided with her, Luke didn't know; he didn't try to see, either, but kept his eyes closed for the couple seconds or so that he stayed there.

Right before it would have become (more) awkward, he began to draw back -- but that shift broke Natalia out of whatever stunned daze she was in. Her grip tightened around his hand, and then Luke felt her soft mouth push tentatively up against his to return that kiss -- to correct it, rather, because it instantly felt more natural, more comfortable, and even more pleasant with the way she tilted her head, so he did the same.

She was warm, he noticed. Maybe it was the chill from the rain that lingered in his skin, but when they soon broke apart and drew back slightly, Luke found himself wondering for an instant what it might be like to pull her in against him, to keep that kiss going a little longer and not think so hard about what happened after.

Outwardly, he only watched Natalia for a sign that he had either done right or screwed up, but she took several seconds to open her eyes, and then another few before biting her lip with a shy, slightly frazzled smile.

"My," she said quietly, her half-lidded gaze fixed on the floor, "what was that about?"

"...I... uh..." His previous train of thought seemed to have scattered. Even as Luke mentally scrambled for the pieces, the reasoning behind his actions suddenly sounded overdramatic and too sincere to say aloud. "It's... I just wanted to... thank you. And apologize. For not... For keeping secrets all the time. It must be annoying."

Natalia did look at him then -- and giggled, abruptly enough that she quickly covered her mouth. Luke felt heat rush into his face and sat up straight again, wondering if he had really been that terrible, but Natalia shook her head.

"I'm -- I'm sorry -- I'm not laughing at you." Catching his sidelong glare, she made more of an effort to straighten out her expression. "I mean it! I..." She looked away again, that demure smile returning to pull at her lips. "It... I really do appreciate the gesture, Luke."

Still embarrassed, Luke made an unconvinced sound and rubbed the side of his neck. "You don't have to lie. If it was bad, just say so--"

"It wasn't!" she said indignantly, frowning, but a darker shade of pink, almost red, dusted the tops of her cheeks. "It was... nice." She clasped her hands before her lips in that habitual way of hers, again avoiding his eyes as her voice softened. "I suppose I was only surprised that you would, since..."

Luke watched her, but she didn't finish the thought. "Since what?" he asked, puzzled. Natalia shook her head again.

"It's nothing, never mind." Standing, she glanced over his shoulder. "You should go ahead and change. You really will catch a cold, sitting around in damp clothes like that."

"Right." He nodded distractedly. "Yeah. I will."

"I'll send up some tea, as well. Try not to stay up too late."

Luke flinched as his sarcastic comeback caught in his throat; she was just worried, he reminded himself. Concerned for his health and rightfully so. Natalia wasn't bossy without a well-intentioned purpose, despite what he used to think.

She caught on to what he didn't say. "I'm not trying to be a nuisance," she told him firmly. "But I know that unless someone keeps an eye on you, you'll push yourself -- and you've earned some rest. So please, take it."

"...Yeah," Luke repeated. It was genuine this time, however, and with a grateful smile. "I'll be fine. Go to bed, Natalia."

"Goodnight."

He was obedient in changing right away, but being alone soon beckoned a mess of grim thoughts again -- or maybe it was the depressing sound of the heavy rain, and it being after dark, as well. Ironically, as much as Luke had feared thunderstorms when he was little, and then deemed them annoying in recent years as just another thing to keep him trapped inside, now there was something calming about them. Heavy though his thoughts were, they seemed a little more manageable than they had on recent nights, not as suffocating and overwhelming.

Once dry and dressed, Luke fell back on his bed and stared up at the dark ceiling. He thought about Natalia, how worried she'd looked, how much more worried she would look if she knew the truth. He thought about how kissing her had felt, new and strange but not at all bad. His thoughts drifted back further, to standing out in the rain and staring skyward, feeling cold water hit his face and run down his arms, his neck, past his collar and down his back.

The icy touch of the rain. Natalia's warm kiss. Both had been a startling slap of sensation. Both had made him feel... alive, enough to even forget for a fleeting moment -- or at least make peace with -- that his life was winding down. For those two moments, it hadn't mattered, because he had at least lived long enough to experience them. Now, Luke wondered what else he had missed out on, or how many similar things he had taken for granted without realizing it.

He felt Mieu jump up beside him, apparently having managed to climb out from under that towel, and a moment later he walked over to stand by Luke's head.

"Master?" he said cautiously.

"Hm."

"I'm sorry I followed you."

Luke turned away, rolling onto his side. "What, that? Forget it, it's fine."

Mieu hesitated. "Can I tell you why I did it?"

"Weren't you just being nosy and clingy like usual?" There was, of course, sarcasm there, but it wasn't as biting as it would have once been.

Unfazed (or perhaps not denying those two habits), Mieu only explained, "I want you to be happy, Master. So I want to do what you say if it makes you happy... but I don't want you to be alone."

"Sometimes people _want_ to be alone," said Luke simply. "It helps with... It just helps."

"Oh, I know that," said Mieu brightly. The contradiction made Luke frown, confused, but then the cheagle lowered his voice and went on more seriously, "But... Master said he might disappear at any time. And... I was thinking that if _I_ was going to disappear, I'd be really, really scared. I wouldn't want to be alone. So..." A fierce look came into those large eyes. "I don't ever want you to be alone, Master! It doesn't have to be me if you don't want, but... I think someone should always be with you, just in case!"

Luke stared. It seemed like a pretty childish way of thinking, but... it was considerate, even a little insightful. What was more, it was as selfless as he had come to expect from Mieu. Any lingering annoyance at being disobeyed and followed suddenly seemed trivial, and he couldn't help a tired smile.

"Idiot," he muttered, "I can't have somebody with me _all_ the time." He dropped a hand on Mieu's head and scratched lightly between his ears. "...But if you want to try, I probably can't stop you, anyway. Do what you want."

Beaming, Mieu bounced in place as his voice's pitch somehow managed to go even higher. "Yay! I made Master happy!"

"Except that! That's annoying!"

"Miieeuuuuu..."


End file.
